Beef Stew

          what up peeples? this go-round, i'm doing things a little different. We all have shit that bothers us on a regular basis, that we don't get to talk enough about. Unless you're me, and i say the same shit bothers me all the time. Any of my friends can verify that. But in this installment of Rantings and Ravings, i will run down the top five things that bother me as of right now. The list is subject to change in a few minutes so bear with me.

1. Gas Pumps And A Bump: Not just gas prices, which piss me off to no end. Aren't we embroiled in a war over oil? Aren't we bombing people back to the stone age so we can have all their phucking oil? so why is gas $5 a phucking gallon? yeah, yeah, yeah, weapons of mass whatever and democracy reigning my ass. we all know why we're over there. so cut the shit. The thing that pisses me off is when i'm at the pump and i'm filling up my car, i like to end on a nice round number. $40.00. $35.50. But the pump won't let me do that. The phuckers have figured out that that's what i'm trying to do. End on a nice round number. so instead of 40.00. i'm at 40.03. They know i wanna end on a nice round number, and gas is still going in my car, so i keep going. i'll stop at 40.50. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, it goes to 40.52. now the little bit of hand pumping i do(that's what she said), got me to 40.48, and 40.49. But the same pressure that i used before, NOW gets me to... 40.52! What the proverbial Phuck?! Would it KILL you not to gouge me gas pump? it's not enough that you're trying to lure me inside to buy Super Donuts and Salt and Sour chips that'll kill me in 20 years, you gotta take my last few pennies? Rat Bastards!

2. The Anti-Cute Movement: Look ladies, i get that its not easy being pretty. The general upkeep on being a woman is hard enough. I DO understand that. Hair, nails, makeup; as a man, i appreciate the entire beautification process... But ENOUGH IS A PHUCKING NUFF. Is it REALLY that hard to throw on some jogging pants, t-shirt, gym shoes, put your hair in a phucking pony tail, and throw on a cap? REALLY? Hey, if you're just running to the corner store to get some gum fine. If you're just jumping in your car to go get some gas and come back home, fine. But DON'T roll outta bed in your pajamas, throw on those old ass UGG boots, and go to the phucking movies! I mean, when did jogging pants become "dressing up"?! And good Jesus, i thought we'd seen the end of those phucking boots. Women acting like they go with everything. Don't put on a supercute dress, get ya hair all dolled up, and then throw on those ugly ass camel colored boots. DAMN. And nail polish. If you're not a woman that's gonna keep up with your polish every 10 days or so. Don't wear it. There's no law that says,just because you're a girl, you HAVE to wear nail polish. Looking at your fingers or toes with chipped polish or just that one little blotch holding on for dear life of that mani/pedi you got in August is REALLY unbecoming. Put a comb through your damn hair! . Or at least have the decency to put on a hat! I've heard a lot of ladies say to me, "that's young girls doing that." BULL. SHIT. Even if it's true, can't y'all talk to these young heffers? The whole, i'm so cute, i can afford not to put a comb through my hair, and walk around looking like i don't care how i look. I mean, does anybody else see the irony? These chicks put so much effort into looking like they don't care. Kristen Stewart is the poster child  for these women. You're cute. BE CUTE. Do you know how many ugly women, WISH THEY WERE CUTE?! They'd push an old woman in front of a bus to be attractive. So you better watch ya back!

3. Cars Too: I'm in the Currency Exchange the other day to buy a license plate sticker for my car, when a guy walks up to a few of us, and asks us if we wanna buy the answers to the written portion of the drivers test. What? And although nobody bought it, a coupla people wanted to see it! He left, and i'm SURE made a sale outside. What the proverbial Phuck?! No wonder the once great art of driving has been turned to shit. Muthafukas is buying the answers to the driving test! Even if they're fake, and someone bought em, they're still too stupid to be driving a 1.5 ton vehicle on the Dan Ryan at 75mph on a Tuesday night! When EVERYBODY knows what the phuck they're doing, traffic is a well oiled machine. It moves fluidly, like blood through a body. But when you get 1/5 of the entire driving population that doesn't know what the phuck they're doing, you're gonna have 10 accidents an hour in the city that works. And another thing, this goes for everybody, LEARN HOW TO PHUCKING PARK. I mean, parallel parking is TRULY an art. Do they not TEACH this shit at drivers ed anymore?! I mean, muthafukas can't park in the yellow and white lines at the phucking mall, much less in parking spaces. And what's up with this my car is so nice i need to take up two spaces to make sure my car doesn't get dinged, bullshit? Then muthafukas wonder why their cars get keyed. DAMN!

4. Lying Their Asses Off: Young brothers. Not just "bruthas". But young men. What the phuck is up with these skinny ass jeans?! it's like they have your balls in a cpd choke hold! i KNOW your nuts can't breathe in those phucking things. One day you might wanna have kids, but those ball chokers are gonna kill your sperm count. There's nothing worse than seein some plump Jr. Biggie Smalls in these tight ass jeans. Good Lawd, boy, get yourself  a few sizes up! Plus, PICK A PHUCKING LANE. How are you gonna have those skinny ass jeans on, but have them sagging off your asses that we can still see your dirty ass underwear?! if you're gonna sag. DO THAT. if you're gonna wear the nut wranglers, DO THAT. But make a decision. You look idiotic.

5. CyberGangstas: Have you read an article online lately? Scrolled down to the comment sections on Youtube, Yahoo, or anything that allows you to voice an opinion? People have taken it upon themselves to say the meanest, most evil, racist, sexist things you could ever find. These people take it upon themselves to spew venom, and anger, and hate to whatever post they can find. Why? Because there's no retribution, that's why. Anonymity has allowed these cyberbullies, and tech tough guys the ability to say whatever the phuck they want without fear of anything happening to them. They throw out racial slurs, the "c" word, homophobic hate mongering. Mean, hateful shit. I am so sick of all these cowards yelling from their cyber rooftops in their Mommy's basements. if they saw these people that they're arguing with outside, they'd cross the street in fear. say what you wanna say about school, it thinned out the herd. at least you knew who was an asshole, racist, woman hating, homophobes. Shit now, that could be a principal or guidance counselor saying all that shit, and no one would ever know. There are some people that say we don't have any privacy anymore. I agree with that to some degree. But i think sitting behind computers has allowed WAY too many people the privilege of feeling that their house is made of bricks, not glass. And when it comes crashing down, those shards are REALLY phucking sharp.

Thanks for playing kiddies. We've got some wonderful parting gifts for you! See ya next time!

p.s. for those of you counting at home. There were 17 variations of phuck, phucking, or muthafukas.