Let me preface this rant by saying i'm a big fan of Jay-Z and Kanye West. A HUGE fan of both actually. I don't know if anyone heard, but Jay-Z and Kanye West have a CD out together. Of course i'm being facetious. Because unless you were under a rock, in a cave, on Mars, with your fingers in your EARS, you've heard about it. Now when i heard these two heavyweights were getting together for an album, my first thought was, "i hope it's good". Cuz let's be honest, music SUCKS PENITENTIARY BALLS, right now. I mean Hip-Hop is dead, and Pop music is on some retread bullshit. I liked Lady Gaga 20 years ago, when it was Madonna. But i still had high hopes for "Watch The Throne". I mean JAY-Z had a really good CD with the Blueprint 3, and Kanye West is mostly always good for a solid effort. "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" wasn't that good(even though people act like it was. More on that later), but he's a hit maker. First outta the box was H.A.M. For those not in the know, H.A.M. is an acronym for Hard As A Muthafucka. It was absolutely, phucking terrible. It sounds like they rolled into the studio and took a dump on a track and then sent it out to radio stations. The reviews were mixed at best, but everyone whose opinion i respect agreed that the shit was garbage. I bet everyone in the studio was sitting around being phuckin yesmen and fightin' over who would get to juggle their balls, instead of saying what was so painfully obvious. That the song was wack. But i was willing to give them a pass on H.A.M., because these two have been so great in the past. So i was looking forward to the whole CD. I heard "Otis", and was like, alright. This is tight. it's different. They're rappin' abstract. The beat is soulful and cool. I liked it a lot. When W.T.T, dropped, everybody was BIG uppin' it. My girl Shari went out of her way to tell me and i quote, "it's the best CD to come out in the last ten years!" She was incredibly excited about it. When i heard it, i mostly liked it on the first listen. i graded it a B. But it couldn't stand up to the re-listen test. Instead of getting better with each listen, it got worse. NOT a good sign. But the truth was, it didn't matter. Because Watch The Throne wasn't as good as we NEEDED it to be. Lemme elaborate on that. Because music, especially Hip-Hop, is a state of utter shitdom right now, we all needed these two geniuses to be at their VERY best. But they weren't. In fact, in most cases this whole project seemed phoned in. The hype machine at its very best, some critics are lauding this as a collaborative effort between two musical giants that is both groundbreaking and thought provoking. i call bullshit. BULLSHIT i tells ya! People are bumping this in their cars, it's being played in the clubs, and all because of who, they, are. Not because of how good this CD is. WE NEEDED WATCH THE THRONE TO BE GREAT. And it's decent. It's like it's the bottom of the ninth, two outs, and the home team is down two runs. Your 3 and 4th hitters are coming up...AND THEY BOTH HIT SINGLES. Awesome that they got on base, but when you NEEDED them to be great. They weren't. And then the next guy strikes out looking. That's what the music industry is doing right now. Striking out looking.
My guy mp3(Matt Peterson) made a really good point about Watch The Throne. He said that the reason why everybody is acting like it's all that and a bag of chips with the dip, is because we set the bar so high for this album. And the truth is NOBODY likes to be disappointed. So people are lying to themselves to about how much they like this CD. Shari, who said first listen said it was the best thing to drop in the last ten years, has rescinded that statement, saying that it's pretty good, but it doesn't hold up. But her initial reaction is understandable. We want the people who we perceive as great, be that in music, sports, entertainment, or politics, to be great. ALL THE TIME. Especially when we need it the most. If we're forced to admit that they've failed, does that mean that WE'VE failed? Music is a little different. ESPECIALLY NOW. I can't STAND rap right now. I mean PHUCK. EVERYBODY SOUNDS THE SAME. I don't mean, everybody is rappin about the same shit, because they are. Hustlin selling drugs, cars with rims, weed, phuckin random broads. That's every rap song out now. Biggie and 2Pac are rolling around in their graves. I MEAN, THEY ALL SOUND THE SAME. Same inflections, same vocal tone, same accent. And then they all wanna guest star on each other's shit. Ace Hood, Gucci Mane, Wocka Flocka, and Rick Ross are on Wocka's CD produced by Khaled. Then, Gucci Mane, Wocka Flocka, Ace Hood, and Rick Ross are on Gucci's CD produced by Khaled. THEN Gucci Mane, Wocka Flocka, Rick Ross, and Ace Hood are on Hood's CD produced by guess the phuck who? And then Muthafukas wanna act like each song is different. It's the same muthafukas, produced by the same muthafuka, rappin about the same muthafuckin shit!!! AAAAARRRRGHHHH!!! Getting back to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy by Kanye. The fact that everybody was falling all over themselves to say how great this CD was is astonishing to me. i thought Kanyeezy benefit from what i've been calling an Anti-Backlash. After the whole Taylor Swift incident(which in itself is rantworthy), Kanye was public enemy number one. He was hated. Then after a while, the public started to say, "hey this whole Kanye is a monster thing is getting outta hand. All he did was tell some overrated ass singer she didn't deserve to win. this has gone too far. I bet when his new CD drops it's gonna be off the chain!" And when Power came out, i was totally believing it. But that was the last song from the OLD Kanye. The NEW Kanye, that bullshit Monster and a few other weak tracks, had people rushing to call him a genius. The reason? They NEEDED him to be. They needed him to have a great album to answer for the whole Taylor Swift debacle. He didn't. But it doesn't matter. Lying to ourselves has become the new black in rap music.
Pop music is no better. You're telling me that there's a fundamental difference between what Katy Perry, Ke$ha, and Gaga are saying? Look how cool it is to be a superficial, drunken, whore now! It's empowering! I mean seriously, y'all. How many songs can there possibly be about getting so phucked up, getting drunk, and dancing? Good Lawd, i yearn for the days of Public Enemy, Big Daddy Kane, Common Sense, and The Geto Boys. Anita Baker, Prince, Madonna, and Janet Jackson. But this takes me back to the fundamental problem. I think deep down we know these artists aren't all that good. But we're getting bombarded by the same songs, day after day, hour after hour, and our mental defenses get weak. How many times have you heard some bullshit by Taio Cruz or LMFAO, and thought, MAN I HATE THIS SHIT. Only to find yourself humming or singing the same song you were dissin' two weeks ago? They're not as good as we NEED them to be. Think about it like this. 18 months ago Lebron James was one of the most beloved sports icons of all time. He was charismatic. He was cool. But most of all, he was great. A great young player. He was going to be this generation's Jordan. Or even better, an amalgam of Jordan and Magic. He was going to take a Championship starved town like Cleveland and finally deliver them from evil. But then he did something unthinkable. He left Cleveland a few months later to take his talents to Miami, and it began the most incredible personal turnaround in modern pop culture history. He went from being loved to hated. From revered to despised. From Annakin to Darth Vader. It was unbelievable. People called him a coward, a turncoat, a pussy. They said he couldn't make it on his own so he had to join up with a coupla other guys to try and win a championship. But his real crime? His true crime? Not living up to what we NEEDED him to be. THAT is his greatest crime. WE wanted him to be Jordan. WE wanted him to be what WE needed him to be. Phuck that he probably never would've won in Cleveland. WE wanted him to be like Mike. The fact that he turned his back on us to do what HE wanted? The one unforgivable icon sin.
Take President Obama's first three years in office. We all knew the country was in the shitter. We all new that it had taken a decade for the country to go from being in good shape, to being lying face down in a gutter in China. But once we elected Obama, we all fell for the CHANGE, HOPE, WE CAN DO IT!, mantra and expected it to be 2000 again with the wave of a magic wand. Phuck Congress, Phuck the war, Phuck it all. Hey Mr. Wizard Obama, why haven't you delivered us Shang-ra-la the way you promised! Lying prick! That's because he DIDN'T promise us that. From the night he won the election, to his inauguration speech, til yesterphuckingday, he's continually said it won't be easy, we have to do it together, and pull ourselves up. But no one wants to hear that. We don't need a President. We need the Genie from Aladdin's phucking lamp.
Well kiddies, thanks for reading, and i hope to have something else for you guys real soon...Like now.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
It's Not You, It's Me...On Second Thought, Naw...It's YOU.
I find myself talking to my female friends a lot about relationships. Being the Old Married Guy, brings with it a little bit of knowledge about certain things. I know a lot of girls that are pretty phuckin' awesome, but have trouble meeting guys. For some reason, they don't think that there a lot of good guys out there. But there are. They're everywhere. I personally cannot stand it when a woman says, "there aren't any good men out there!" " All the good men are taken!" "Men ain't shit!" I have to say this loses a little bit of affect because you can't hear my whiny female voice impersonation. It's actually very good. ANYWAY, i always think how can any woman think this way? i mean, your girlfriends and other women you know are getting married left and right, correct? Your college roommate? getting married. Your younger cousin? getting married. That bitch at the bank that you make SURE you don't stand in her line, cuz God help you, you WILL beat that bitches ass? getting married. so you know for a fact that good men are out there, cuz you KNOW women getting married. What? Did they just HAPPEN to walk under the good man tree and one just fell on top of her?here are a few tips for the Ladies to make one step closer to finding the right guy:
1. Be Friendly: No man wants to walk up on a woman scowling. For God's sake smile. I know a buncha sistas who act like they don't have to smile. "WHY I GOTTA SMILE ALL THE TIME?(again, losing something without the whiny voice impersonation)". Seriously though, who would want to talk to woman who looks like she's gonna bite their head off? EXAMPLE: have ever been somewhere and seen a woman strike down every guy that comes and talks to her? she's waiting on the RIGHT guy to come talk to her. But she swattin' men away like King Kong with Bi-planes. And bein' an ASS about it. The man she WANTS to come talk to her is lookin' at this going, "there's no way in hell i'm going to talk to that broad. Look how she's chewin' those brutha's up and spittin' em out. Phuck that!" Think about it Ladies. How are you going to get a good guy, if YOU'RE NOT A GOOD GIRL? in the words of Lyfe Jennings, "don't be a nickel out here lookin' for a dime". Be nice, or polite to the losers coming to try to talk to you. "No thanks, i have a drink, but i appreciate the offer." "I'm actually waiting here for my girlfriends, and they'll be here in a minute, but i am truly flattered." The guys leave, and then BOOM BOOM POW, the guy you WANT saunters up. Fish in a barrel Ladies.
2. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!: Female Friends, don't take this the wrong way. i LOVE to hear you talk. Men LOVE to hear the woman they adore opinions on many things. But we do not need to know your deep thoughts on every thing under the phucking SUN! I mean, it's perfectly okay to sit here and hold my hand, or lay with your head upon my chest, without asking me what i'm thinking. I was thinking it was nice and quiet before you started asking me shit. When we're watching a movie at home, don't take this opportunity to ask me stuff. Wait til after the movie or before the movie starts. Sitting there thinking, "i wonder if he's thinking about(insert stereotypical girl question here)? You wanna know what we're thinking? "Why would giant robots that can transform into vehicles and back into robots need decals to identify if they're on one side or the other"? We ain't that deep. Also, there's nothing wrong with "letting" your man win an argument every once in a while. if it keeps the peace in the house, and keeps you happy in the long run, what are you really losing? Let HIM get the last word sometimes. the problem with most women is a truth that the majority refuse to admit: They'd rather be right, than happy.
3. The 18th Letter: There's not that big of a jump from a woman going from pretty to petty. I personally gotta tell you, of all the things i absolutely ADORE about women, this jumps up and tries to snatch it away. i'm going to say this for the Ladies in the cheap seats: When y'all sit around doggin' other women, it makes you look ugly. The pettiness and jealousy have got. to.stop. i mean, damn! i know this is like a sport to a lotta women. get around your girls and you can giggle and point fingers and talk about who shouldn't be wearin' what. and what one woman heard about another woman and so on and so forth. it makes you seem like you're actually jealous and envious of the woman your talking about. or WORSE, it makes you look like a bully. picking on some other woman just for shits and giggles. how would you feel if you were constantly around men saying things like, "well he only drives that Maybach because he's got a little dick." "Everybody KNOWS the only reason he plays basketball so well is because he was sexually abused by his uncle when he was a kid". "Did you hear that Earl, Jason, and Eddie Murphy were caught in a threesome? Yeah man, they on the DL!" You see how stupid that shit sounds? imagine hearing that from every man in your life for 30 plus years, and see if YOU didn't want to retreat to the awesomeness of the NFL.
4. Parachutes: Nothing makes me sadder than to see a great woman in a relationship with a crap ass guy. And i know, THERE ARE A LOT of crap ass guys out there. but for some reason, a woman will stay with this crap ass punk for YEARS possibly, instead of jumping out of plane that's gonna do nothing but crash. EVERYONE can see it except you. He doesn't treat you the way you deserve. He doesn't appreciate you the way you feel you should be. He's incredibly self centered. And yet and still you STAY with these crab asses! instead of grabbing a life vest and abandoning ship, y'all wanna be the band on the Titanic! A woman will feel like since she invested X amount of years into a relationship, she can't leave now. WTF?! Why the hell not? Girrrrrrrl. Dump his ass, and move on. You can tell how your friends feel about him, cuz when the latest thing comes up, and you talk about breaking up with him, your girls go, "yeah, maybe it's run its course". and then when yo ass gets back with him, they have to be all, "yay, i knew you'd work it out". He sucks. Let him go. He's standing in the doorway blocking your view of other guys who ARE worthy of your time and love. LET. HIM. GO. don't be afraid to see these men for who they really are. i know it's scary to be alone at some points in your life, but you don't wanna be with someone who's dragging you down. Just cuz you don't wanna be by yourself. You can do better. Much better. Just open your eyes and SEE.
Well that's my time Ladies. I hope you take this to heart. I'm saying this because i love you all so much. i grew up in a family full of women. i'm married to a wonderful(but crazy. the good crazy) woman. and i have two daughters. i just want you all to be happy to the full extent and potential that you can. Peace and Love to you all...
1. Be Friendly: No man wants to walk up on a woman scowling. For God's sake smile. I know a buncha sistas who act like they don't have to smile. "WHY I GOTTA SMILE ALL THE TIME?(again, losing something without the whiny voice impersonation)". Seriously though, who would want to talk to woman who looks like she's gonna bite their head off? EXAMPLE: have ever been somewhere and seen a woman strike down every guy that comes and talks to her? she's waiting on the RIGHT guy to come talk to her. But she swattin' men away like King Kong with Bi-planes. And bein' an ASS about it. The man she WANTS to come talk to her is lookin' at this going, "there's no way in hell i'm going to talk to that broad. Look how she's chewin' those brutha's up and spittin' em out. Phuck that!" Think about it Ladies. How are you going to get a good guy, if YOU'RE NOT A GOOD GIRL? in the words of Lyfe Jennings, "don't be a nickel out here lookin' for a dime". Be nice, or polite to the losers coming to try to talk to you. "No thanks, i have a drink, but i appreciate the offer." "I'm actually waiting here for my girlfriends, and they'll be here in a minute, but i am truly flattered." The guys leave, and then BOOM BOOM POW, the guy you WANT saunters up. Fish in a barrel Ladies.
2. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!: Female Friends, don't take this the wrong way. i LOVE to hear you talk. Men LOVE to hear the woman they adore opinions on many things. But we do not need to know your deep thoughts on every thing under the phucking SUN! I mean, it's perfectly okay to sit here and hold my hand, or lay with your head upon my chest, without asking me what i'm thinking. I was thinking it was nice and quiet before you started asking me shit. When we're watching a movie at home, don't take this opportunity to ask me stuff. Wait til after the movie or before the movie starts. Sitting there thinking, "i wonder if he's thinking about(insert stereotypical girl question here)? You wanna know what we're thinking? "Why would giant robots that can transform into vehicles and back into robots need decals to identify if they're on one side or the other"? We ain't that deep. Also, there's nothing wrong with "letting" your man win an argument every once in a while. if it keeps the peace in the house, and keeps you happy in the long run, what are you really losing? Let HIM get the last word sometimes. the problem with most women is a truth that the majority refuse to admit: They'd rather be right, than happy.
3. The 18th Letter: There's not that big of a jump from a woman going from pretty to petty. I personally gotta tell you, of all the things i absolutely ADORE about women, this jumps up and tries to snatch it away. i'm going to say this for the Ladies in the cheap seats: When y'all sit around doggin' other women, it makes you look ugly. The pettiness and jealousy have got. to.stop. i mean, damn! i know this is like a sport to a lotta women. get around your girls and you can giggle and point fingers and talk about who shouldn't be wearin' what. and what one woman heard about another woman and so on and so forth. it makes you seem like you're actually jealous and envious of the woman your talking about. or WORSE, it makes you look like a bully. picking on some other woman just for shits and giggles. how would you feel if you were constantly around men saying things like, "well he only drives that Maybach because he's got a little dick." "Everybody KNOWS the only reason he plays basketball so well is because he was sexually abused by his uncle when he was a kid". "Did you hear that Earl, Jason, and Eddie Murphy were caught in a threesome? Yeah man, they on the DL!" You see how stupid that shit sounds? imagine hearing that from every man in your life for 30 plus years, and see if YOU didn't want to retreat to the awesomeness of the NFL.
4. Parachutes: Nothing makes me sadder than to see a great woman in a relationship with a crap ass guy. And i know, THERE ARE A LOT of crap ass guys out there. but for some reason, a woman will stay with this crap ass punk for YEARS possibly, instead of jumping out of plane that's gonna do nothing but crash. EVERYONE can see it except you. He doesn't treat you the way you deserve. He doesn't appreciate you the way you feel you should be. He's incredibly self centered. And yet and still you STAY with these crab asses! instead of grabbing a life vest and abandoning ship, y'all wanna be the band on the Titanic! A woman will feel like since she invested X amount of years into a relationship, she can't leave now. WTF?! Why the hell not? Girrrrrrrl. Dump his ass, and move on. You can tell how your friends feel about him, cuz when the latest thing comes up, and you talk about breaking up with him, your girls go, "yeah, maybe it's run its course". and then when yo ass gets back with him, they have to be all, "yay, i knew you'd work it out". He sucks. Let him go. He's standing in the doorway blocking your view of other guys who ARE worthy of your time and love. LET. HIM. GO. don't be afraid to see these men for who they really are. i know it's scary to be alone at some points in your life, but you don't wanna be with someone who's dragging you down. Just cuz you don't wanna be by yourself. You can do better. Much better. Just open your eyes and SEE.
Well that's my time Ladies. I hope you take this to heart. I'm saying this because i love you all so much. i grew up in a family full of women. i'm married to a wonderful(but crazy. the good crazy) woman. and i have two daughters. i just want you all to be happy to the full extent and potential that you can. Peace and Love to you all...
Man Vs. Himself
Men. Damn we're so stupid sometimes. I hate to start off a blog about myself and other guys like that, but seriously fellas we do some pretty stupid shit. Most of it has to do with our Penis. Or Penises? Or is it Peni? But other times, a lotta times we don't like to admit, it has nothing to do with the guy who runs the show. It's about the guy we hardly ever listen to. Our brain. The Brain is like that friend most men have their whole life. You meet him early in life. He's awesome. He likes the same shit you do. He laughs at the same stupid ass jokes as you. He's great. In fact, he's around SO much, you begin to take him for granted. You listen to your new friends Heart and Gut, more than him. And once Penis came around, Brain became the nerdy friend that just tags along that the other three just make fun of. If we could learn to listen to our good ole friend Brain a little more often, our lives would be SOOOOOOOO much easier:
1. Infestation: The sheer number of assclowns running around these days is baffling. You know who the phuck i'm talking about. Those idiots that wanna run through a bar, knocking shit over playin' some stupid ass game only them and their friends know about. Those idiots that wanna pick fights with cops and Latin Kings after they have a PBR and a shot. Those guys who act like they're still in college, every Friday and Saturday night looking to get drunk/high/stupid and get their Stifler on, so on Monday they can talk about how wasted they were. ANY excuse not to act like an adult. Any excuse to murder a few more brain cells. Cuz once they stop and think. Once they look in the mirror, they have to admit; i don't have any idea what the phuck i'm doing. No clue. No idea what comes next. And it scares the holy hell outta them. Everything up to this point has been seen through the eyes of a high school Junior. Even college. So what do they do when 5 years goes by and they realize nothing has changed, even though they might act like they want it to stay the same? They regress into the comfort of being young. And doing the things that they did when they were younger. It's like a pair of old sneakers that they used to feel comfortable in. The only problem is that those shoes are a tight fit. Get a pair of Steve Madden's dude. Hang up the Assclown shirt, and grab a Geoffrey Bean. It ain't so bad.
2. Hey! I Remember You!: The thing that plagues most men is the fact that it's hard to stay monogamous. They meet this great girl, she's everything you ever wanted, except that you wanna phuck other people. Is that really too much to ask? That every once in a while, i go out and phuck some other broads? Is that so wrong? Hell the phuck yes. Think about if the woman YOU loved, whom YOU were in a monogamous relationship with phucked some other meatheads every once in a blue moon. Would you stay with her?Hellthephucknaw you wouldn't. Cuz men don't stand for cheating. We REFUSE to. And WOMEN don't help. They know you're in a relationship. They know you're married. THAT'S when they want you. When you're a married man, women come outta the woodworks trying to give you a BJ, but when you were single, you couldn't find a woman like that in the daytime with a flashlight. So fellas. Let me RE-introduce you to an old friend: Masturbation. Hear me out. ALL men have a solid imagination at least. That's how we did it when we were 13. Now, your Mental Sex Rolodex(some men call it a Spank Bank, but i find that crude and Assclownish) should be FILLED with women. When you're in a serious relationship, or married, and you're out a bar and see some Nicole Scherzinger doppleganger, who acts all flirty with you; You don't touch. You don't phuck. You go home. Get yourself in position, and you offload. 2 minutes. BOOM. Done. No guilt. No walk of shame. No stupid ass lies that you drag your friends into and then have to develop some kind of booklet or script for you all to keep your lies straight. Everybody wins. ESPECIALLY you.
3. Thread Bare: Good Jesus what's happened to the men in the country fashionwise? I mean, you see a couple walk in, the woman's in a sexy but simple black or red or purple dress. Hair looking great, super sexy heels on. Definitely an 8. Next to her is some dude who looks like he just rolled outta bed, and walked outta the house in the shit he slept in. Scruff and phuckin cargo pants with sandals. YUCK. First of all, men shouldn't wear sandals. No one wants to see your ugly ass Flintstone feet. Secondly, cargo pants/shorts should've been given a sniper shot to the head A LONG TIME AGO. Take some pride in how you look. DAMN! Is that hard to throw on a shirt with a collar? I'm all for T-Shirts. I'm a T-Shirt connoissuer myself. But damn, every once in a while you might have to dress like an adult. Not looking like Adam Sandler in some shit-comedy. There are a buncha guys out there bringing it with some cool and some style, but WAY too many dudes couldn't give a phuck how they look in the mirror. Everybody's not gonna be in the gym all the time. Not everybody is going to look like they played tailback at USC. But show some pride dammit! You've got a lady on your arm!
4. Fear Itself: When was the last time you saw two men have a one on one fight? I don't mean MMA or plunking down some dough to see Mayweather or Pacquiao fight. I mean in the street. Two men. Settling their differences like two characters in Street Fighter. That's alright, i'll wait...I'm betting that you haven't seen that in a LONG time. Because it just doesn't happen anymore. Nobody wants to be part of a fair fight. EVERYONE wants to be on the winning side. So if a guy has sex with another man's wife. He goes and gets a gun. Or his two best friends to beat the shit outta him. Cowardice is running rampant amongst men these days. Look at the Teen Mob beatings this year. Those group of black teens that were running up on white males and beating them down. I told as many of my friends as possible to protect themselves in any way they could. i also gave them the same advice that my father once gave me. "Cowards run in groups because they can't take you by themselves. If you get one of them REALLY good, the others will fall back." As Craig's father said in "Friday", guys are so scared to take an ass whuppin these days. They have to resort to gun violence or group beatdowns to take care of problems. Look. i'm all for talking shit out. I haven't been in a fight since college, and even THEN it was 4 on 4. Sometimes shit goes down and punches get thrown. But MOST of the time nowadays, it's 4 on 1 or 3 on 1. Because getting beat up is embarrassing. No man wants to be embarrassed, so they tilt the odds in their favor. One man lifts weights, the other lifts nickel plates(that's what gun handles are made of). Until we get to the root of the problem, our very own fear, shit like the beatdowns this summer are gonna continue to happen. Unless you run into Ryu. Then you might as well lay down, cuz your ass is kicked.
I gotta bounce like static cling peeples. Until next time, when i'll rant and/or rave about important superfluous shit. PEACE.
1. Infestation: The sheer number of assclowns running around these days is baffling. You know who the phuck i'm talking about. Those idiots that wanna run through a bar, knocking shit over playin' some stupid ass game only them and their friends know about. Those idiots that wanna pick fights with cops and Latin Kings after they have a PBR and a shot. Those guys who act like they're still in college, every Friday and Saturday night looking to get drunk/high/stupid and get their Stifler on, so on Monday they can talk about how wasted they were. ANY excuse not to act like an adult. Any excuse to murder a few more brain cells. Cuz once they stop and think. Once they look in the mirror, they have to admit; i don't have any idea what the phuck i'm doing. No clue. No idea what comes next. And it scares the holy hell outta them. Everything up to this point has been seen through the eyes of a high school Junior. Even college. So what do they do when 5 years goes by and they realize nothing has changed, even though they might act like they want it to stay the same? They regress into the comfort of being young. And doing the things that they did when they were younger. It's like a pair of old sneakers that they used to feel comfortable in. The only problem is that those shoes are a tight fit. Get a pair of Steve Madden's dude. Hang up the Assclown shirt, and grab a Geoffrey Bean. It ain't so bad.
2. Hey! I Remember You!: The thing that plagues most men is the fact that it's hard to stay monogamous. They meet this great girl, she's everything you ever wanted, except that you wanna phuck other people. Is that really too much to ask? That every once in a while, i go out and phuck some other broads? Is that so wrong? Hell the phuck yes. Think about if the woman YOU loved, whom YOU were in a monogamous relationship with phucked some other meatheads every once in a blue moon. Would you stay with her?Hellthephucknaw you wouldn't. Cuz men don't stand for cheating. We REFUSE to. And WOMEN don't help. They know you're in a relationship. They know you're married. THAT'S when they want you. When you're a married man, women come outta the woodworks trying to give you a BJ, but when you were single, you couldn't find a woman like that in the daytime with a flashlight. So fellas. Let me RE-introduce you to an old friend: Masturbation. Hear me out. ALL men have a solid imagination at least. That's how we did it when we were 13. Now, your Mental Sex Rolodex(some men call it a Spank Bank, but i find that crude and Assclownish) should be FILLED with women. When you're in a serious relationship, or married, and you're out a bar and see some Nicole Scherzinger doppleganger, who acts all flirty with you; You don't touch. You don't phuck. You go home. Get yourself in position, and you offload. 2 minutes. BOOM. Done. No guilt. No walk of shame. No stupid ass lies that you drag your friends into and then have to develop some kind of booklet or script for you all to keep your lies straight. Everybody wins. ESPECIALLY you.
3. Thread Bare: Good Jesus what's happened to the men in the country fashionwise? I mean, you see a couple walk in, the woman's in a sexy but simple black or red or purple dress. Hair looking great, super sexy heels on. Definitely an 8. Next to her is some dude who looks like he just rolled outta bed, and walked outta the house in the shit he slept in. Scruff and phuckin cargo pants with sandals. YUCK. First of all, men shouldn't wear sandals. No one wants to see your ugly ass Flintstone feet. Secondly, cargo pants/shorts should've been given a sniper shot to the head A LONG TIME AGO. Take some pride in how you look. DAMN! Is that hard to throw on a shirt with a collar? I'm all for T-Shirts. I'm a T-Shirt connoissuer myself. But damn, every once in a while you might have to dress like an adult. Not looking like Adam Sandler in some shit-comedy. There are a buncha guys out there bringing it with some cool and some style, but WAY too many dudes couldn't give a phuck how they look in the mirror. Everybody's not gonna be in the gym all the time. Not everybody is going to look like they played tailback at USC. But show some pride dammit! You've got a lady on your arm!
4. Fear Itself: When was the last time you saw two men have a one on one fight? I don't mean MMA or plunking down some dough to see Mayweather or Pacquiao fight. I mean in the street. Two men. Settling their differences like two characters in Street Fighter. That's alright, i'll wait...I'm betting that you haven't seen that in a LONG time. Because it just doesn't happen anymore. Nobody wants to be part of a fair fight. EVERYONE wants to be on the winning side. So if a guy has sex with another man's wife. He goes and gets a gun. Or his two best friends to beat the shit outta him. Cowardice is running rampant amongst men these days. Look at the Teen Mob beatings this year. Those group of black teens that were running up on white males and beating them down. I told as many of my friends as possible to protect themselves in any way they could. i also gave them the same advice that my father once gave me. "Cowards run in groups because they can't take you by themselves. If you get one of them REALLY good, the others will fall back." As Craig's father said in "Friday", guys are so scared to take an ass whuppin these days. They have to resort to gun violence or group beatdowns to take care of problems. Look. i'm all for talking shit out. I haven't been in a fight since college, and even THEN it was 4 on 4. Sometimes shit goes down and punches get thrown. But MOST of the time nowadays, it's 4 on 1 or 3 on 1. Because getting beat up is embarrassing. No man wants to be embarrassed, so they tilt the odds in their favor. One man lifts weights, the other lifts nickel plates(that's what gun handles are made of). Until we get to the root of the problem, our very own fear, shit like the beatdowns this summer are gonna continue to happen. Unless you run into Ryu. Then you might as well lay down, cuz your ass is kicked.
I gotta bounce like static cling peeples. Until next time, when i'll rant and/or rave about important superfluous shit. PEACE.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Old Man In The Cave
What's up peeple?! For years i've been ranting and raving for no good reason. A few weeks ago, my girl Shaunna; You know Shaunna, from the Shau And Shaunna Show? She, suggested that i rant and rave through a blog. And i gotta tell you. I gotta lot of shit to say. Ooh, can i say shit? Yes the hell i can say shit, cuz this is my blog. Actually i'm not sure i can say that. This whole blog thing is kinda new to me. I wanted to set things off by saying a little bit about myself. I'm 36 (well 37 on Friday) married to a beautiful woman, and two awesome kids. I hang out with a lot of people younger than me, so it keeps me young. Sometimes i feel REALLY old when talking to them about music, movies, or anything else for that matter, but the cool thing is that we're all friends because we have common interests. THAT being said; i feel the need to break it down from keys to grams for the youngbloods every now and then. I hate to be Old Man Booker at the end of the block telling those damn kids to get off my lawn, but sometimes its necessary and warranted. I don't want this blog to be one of those "everything was better when i was young" type things. Cuz it's not. The internet? Bad ass and much better than the library or having to walk to a friends place. Gaming? You wanna try to compare the PS3 to the Sega Genesis? Be my guest, cuz the Playstation would take the Genesis' lunch money and push it in the mud. But to quote my man Common, "SOME of that shit y'all pop to, i ain't relatin'. If i don't like it, i don't like it. That don't mean that i'm HATIN'." I want this blog to be about things today that piss me off. And fortunately for us all, there is an unending supply of that crap. Music, relationships, assclowns, chicks, kids, sports, the list is limitless. So until next time peeps, which will be REALLY soon. the old man must bounce...
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