Man Vs. Himself

Men. Damn we're so stupid sometimes. I hate to start off a blog about myself and other guys like that, but seriously fellas we do some pretty stupid shit. Most of it has to do with our Penis. Or Penises? Or is it Peni? But other times, a lotta times we don't like to admit, it has nothing to do with the guy who runs the show. It's about the guy we hardly ever listen to. Our brain. The Brain is like that friend most men have their whole life. You meet him early in life. He's awesome. He likes the same shit you do. He laughs at the same stupid ass jokes as you. He's great. In fact, he's around SO much, you begin to take him for granted. You listen to your new friends Heart and Gut, more than him. And once Penis came around, Brain became the nerdy friend that just tags along that the other three just make fun of. If we could learn to listen to our good ole friend Brain a little more often, our lives would be SOOOOOOOO much easier:

1. Infestation: The sheer number of assclowns running around these days is baffling. You know who the phuck i'm talking about. Those idiots that wanna run through a bar, knocking shit over playin' some stupid ass game only them and their friends know about. Those idiots that wanna pick fights with cops and Latin Kings after they have a PBR and a shot. Those guys who act like they're still in college, every Friday and Saturday night looking to get drunk/high/stupid and get their Stifler on, so on Monday they can talk about how wasted they were. ANY excuse not to act like an adult. Any excuse to murder a few more brain cells. Cuz once they stop and think. Once they look in the mirror, they have to admit; i don't have any idea what the phuck i'm doing. No clue. No idea what comes next. And it scares the holy hell outta them. Everything up to this point has been seen through the eyes of a high school Junior. Even college. So what do they do when 5 years goes by and they realize nothing has changed, even though they might act like they want it to stay the same? They regress into the comfort of being young. And doing the things that they did when they were younger. It's like a pair of old sneakers that they used to feel comfortable in. The only problem is that those shoes are a tight fit. Get a pair of Steve Madden's dude. Hang up the Assclown shirt, and grab a Geoffrey Bean. It ain't so bad.

2. Hey! I Remember You!: The thing that plagues most men is the fact that it's hard to stay monogamous. They meet this great girl, she's everything you ever wanted, except that you wanna phuck other people. Is that really too much to ask? That every once in a while, i go out and phuck some other broads? Is that so wrong? Hell the phuck yes. Think about if the woman YOU loved, whom YOU were in a monogamous relationship with phucked some other meatheads every once in a blue moon. Would you stay with her?Hellthephucknaw you wouldn't. Cuz men don't stand for cheating. We REFUSE to. And WOMEN don't help. They know you're in a relationship. They know you're married. THAT'S when they want you. When you're a married man, women come outta the woodworks trying to give you a BJ, but when you were single, you couldn't find a woman like that in the daytime with a flashlight. So fellas. Let me RE-introduce you to an old friend: Masturbation. Hear me out. ALL men have a solid imagination at least. That's how we did it when we were 13. Now, your Mental Sex Rolodex(some men call it a Spank Bank, but i find that crude and Assclownish) should be FILLED with women. When you're in a serious relationship, or married, and you're out a bar and see some Nicole Scherzinger doppleganger, who acts all flirty with you; You don't touch. You don't phuck. You go home. Get yourself in position, and you offload. 2 minutes. BOOM. Done. No guilt. No walk of shame. No stupid ass lies that you drag your friends into and then have to develop some kind of booklet or script for you all to keep your lies straight. Everybody wins. ESPECIALLY you.

3. Thread Bare: Good Jesus what's happened to the men in the country fashionwise? I mean, you see a couple walk in, the woman's in a sexy but simple black or red or purple dress. Hair looking great, super sexy heels on. Definitely an 8. Next to her is some dude who looks like he just rolled outta bed, and walked outta the house in the shit he slept in. Scruff and phuckin cargo pants with sandals. YUCK. First of all, men shouldn't wear sandals. No one wants to see your ugly ass Flintstone feet. Secondly, cargo pants/shorts should've been given a sniper shot to the head A LONG TIME AGO. Take some pride in how you look. DAMN! Is that hard to throw on a shirt with a collar? I'm all for T-Shirts. I'm a T-Shirt connoissuer myself. But damn, every once in a while you might have to dress like an adult. Not looking like Adam Sandler in some shit-comedy. There are a buncha guys out there bringing it with some cool and some style, but WAY too many dudes couldn't give a phuck how they look in the mirror. Everybody's not gonna be in the gym all the time. Not everybody is going to look like they played tailback at USC. But show some pride dammit! You've got a lady on your arm!

4. Fear Itself: When was the last time you saw two men have a one on one fight? I don't mean MMA or plunking down some dough to see Mayweather or Pacquiao fight. I mean in the street. Two men. Settling their differences like two characters in Street Fighter. That's alright, i'll wait...I'm betting that you haven't seen that in a LONG time. Because it just doesn't happen anymore. Nobody wants to be part of a fair fight. EVERYONE wants to be on the winning side. So if a guy has sex with another man's wife. He goes and gets a gun. Or his two best friends to beat the shit outta him. Cowardice is running rampant amongst men these days. Look at the Teen Mob beatings this year. Those group of black teens that were running up on white males and beating them down. I told as many of my friends as possible to protect themselves in any way they could. i also gave them the same advice that my father once gave me. "Cowards run in groups because they can't take you by themselves. If you get one of them REALLY good, the others will fall back." As Craig's father said in "Friday", guys are so scared to take an ass whuppin these days. They have to resort to gun violence or group beatdowns to take care of problems. Look. i'm all for talking shit out. I haven't been in a fight since college, and even THEN it was 4 on 4. Sometimes shit goes down and punches get thrown. But MOST of the time nowadays, it's 4 on 1 or 3 on 1. Because getting beat up is embarrassing. No man wants to be embarrassed, so they tilt the odds in their favor. One man lifts weights, the other lifts nickel plates(that's what gun handles are made of). Until we get to the root of the problem, our very own fear, shit like the beatdowns this summer are gonna continue to happen. Unless you run into Ryu. Then you might as well lay down, cuz your ass is kicked.

I gotta bounce like static cling peeples. Until next time, when i'll rant and/or rave about important superfluous shit. PEACE.